Only Connect!

Using connection to help with the tough emotions that are coming up during these challenging times for women in tech.

Welcome! Each month in Skills Lab we go over practical things you can do in your life to help you thrive in the tough environment of tech leadership. My goal is to share skills that are pragmatic and relevant yet still add up to meaningful change. Each of these skills adds to your leadership toolbox in very fundamental ways.

The things that I’ll suggest are often very simple, but they are proven to work. In each case I’ll explain the skill, tell you why it matters using evidence-based research, and suggest a way to practice it in real life. If you take on some of these experiments I think you’ll see and feel tangible outcomes.

This skill is a 2-parter and entails noting a feeling in yourself, and then acting upon that feeling with intent. Then you’ll iterate and experiment until you’ve sorted out a new way of being and added a new skill.

Feel the feelings.

There is a lot of noise right now from putative leaders of the industry and the world, reflecting a movement back to the bad old days of “masculine energy”. To me it feels like society-level gaslighting, because I had a successful career, using my feminine energy, but now I feel like I would no longer be welcome - me and my mad skills!  My worry for women in tech right now is that bad actors in the workplace will use this messaging as air cover to behave even more poorly or work overtly against us.  Now is the time to focus on yourself and to do whatever you need to do to persevere and thrive.

For the women that I’m talking to right now, the feelings that are coming up include rage, frustration, exhaustion and fear. Also incredulousness and some hysterical laughter! You are not alone in your strong feelings.

To fully understand what’s going on for you, take a deliberate pause to check in with yourself, and try to name the emotions that are arising within you. Is there somewhere in your body that these feelings show up?  Give yourself a solid few minutes in your very busy day to tune into your feelings.

Then note down those feelings – on a scrap of paper, in your phone, whatever works best for you. Feeling & recognizing your feelings goes a long way to increasing agency in your life, and you can read more about this in a blog post I wrote last year.

Taking the time to acknowledge and name your feelings and related bodily sensations is a skill that you can practice and learn which will serve you well in all kinds of settings.  When you understand your habitual thoughts and emotions you can use that information to move your life in the right direction.

Try out a new skill – connecting.

If the feelings that you are feeling right now are largely negative, that might incline you to withdraw, because you don’t want to impact anyone else with your bad vibes.  A very strong antidote to negative feelings is to connect with other people.  

We need a feeling of belonging and acceptance to thrive in life.  When we feel a sense of belonging, our bodies:

• Release the helpful brain chemicals oxytocin & dopamine, producing positive feelings in your mind and body
• Reduce activity in your amygdala, the fear and stress center of the brain, lowering your anxiety
• Lower cortisol, your body’s stress hormone, and lower your blood pressure.

All of the above adds up - connected people report themselves to be happier, and can live years longer than lonely people.

Ideally you'd have a few deep relationships and about a dozen broader social relationships.  Given how isolated women in tech leadership report feeling, increasing the number of meaningful connections you can access on a regular basis is a key skill for thriving. You don’t have to go it alone.

If you already have a strong social network, then recognizing these feelings can be your prompt to seek out connection. When you feel that rage, despair or frustration, make it your cue to connect with someone in your life and talk about what’s going on for you.

If you feel like your current relationships aren't quite where they need to be to fully support you, there are some really great places to find other women in tech. I briefly mentioned some of them in my recent whitepaper, and here’s more detail.

Slack groups – I am getting so much daily joy and fulfillment from these two groups:

• Rands Leadership Slack, specifically the private #treehouse channel for women and non-binary people. Follow these instructions to get into the general slack and then ask to be added to the private #treehouse channel from there. High quality conversations are happening every day, plus there’s a donut bot that sets up monthly 1-1s with random people. It is lovely.
• Women In Tech chat – this one is invite-only, so let me know if you’d like me to invite you in.  This is a friendly and supportive group of women, talking about all kinds of useful topics.

Organizations that specialize in women in tech:

• AnitaB.org - The mission: "Paving the Way Forward for Women in Tech, Career Development, Apprenticeship, Networking, Mentorship and more!".  Famous for the Grace Hopper conference for women in tech, AnitaB also hosts great webinars and has lively local chapters.
• SheTO - The mission: "where women+ in engineering leadership belong".  I have heard great things about this group from engineering leaders.

While you are considering these organizations, also please consider becoming a mentor through them. Mentoring through AnitaB.org has been extremely rewarding for me, and broadened my number of good connections in the world.

Local meetups:

• I found this Seattle meetup - what’s happening near you? These great women are hosting a “Feminine Energy” get together, doesn’t that sound like where you want to be hanging out?

Reconnect with long lost colleagues:

This is not as horrible and terrifying as you might think. I learned an approach from an Ellevate webinar, and have now used it extensively with excellent results including getting a new job and building my coaching business. I have to give it props as a certified introvert, because it works.

To get warmed up, first reach out to someone you already know but haven’t talked to in a while and try this during your conversation:

1. Think of three things you want to learn about them (i.e. how’s their current role, the kids, their crocheting habit?).
2. Prepare three things you want to tell them about you. (i.e. you are feeling some rage, looking for more connection during these dark times, and you just taught yourself how to play the xylophone).
3. Ask them for one more person that they know that they are willing to connect you to. Say something like “Who else do you know that you think I should connect with? Will you introduce me?”.

Then rinse and repeat the 3-3-1 format with the next person you talk to.  Soon you will have talked to a lot of new people.

I also find it really helpful to think of this activity less as “networking” per se, i.e. doing something transactional, and more about genuine connection. I have had the most interesting conversations while doing this kind of connecting, and it is impossible to predict what might result.

What will you try out?

I am in a phase of actively reconnecting because I now spend much of my time in a town that’s far away from most of my friends (because, sunshine). So I asked a friend who is phone-averse to have a phone call. It was lovely, we were able to connect well, and now I have one more friend that has crossed the telephonic divide with me. That’s what I needed to do to add more connection in my life.   What is it that you need to do for yourself?

Remember, creating new connections is a skill that can be learned with practice but will feel awkward at the beginning. Change is most easily achieved through small moves and experimentation.

Start a conversation.

What I want most for women in tech leadership during these tough times is to be able to maintain a feeling of belonging and support.  What will you do to bring a stronger feeling of belonging and connection into your life and to support those around you?  

What are your favorite ways to seek connection?

What will you try out?

Where have you found connection to help in your life?

I would love to see your comments on this blog right here – let’s start a conversation, as a baby-step towards much needed connection with the other women in tech leadership who subscribe to Skills Lab.